Client Courtships

Client service is a hilarious job. Sure, account directors, supervisors and friends offer strategic direction, diligently manage projects and maintain client budgets. But their primary role is to do everything possible to please their clients. As a result, client relationships become easily comparable to dating or romantic relationships.

Allow me to illustrate. Below are vignettes that might occur in an ordinary day in client service, only inner monologues shall begin with “Dear Diary.”

Budding Relationship

Dear Diary – I feel really energized after grabbing lunch with [client name]. There are so many possibilities and we could really do great things together. Plus, I can’t wait to add him to my book and flash him in front of my friends - It will be great for my reputation! Maybe I can find a way to get an invitation to that function he’ll be at next week…It would be a good excuse to see him again.

Phone call: “Hey, [client name]! It was so great to take time out and meet you for lunch yesterday. I am really excited about the great conversation we had – It feels like we’re really aligned. So, I’m calling because the funniest thing happened. I just found out I will actually be at the same function next week – What a coincidence! If you’re up for it, we should grab a few drinks afterwards! My treat.

Trouble in Paradise

Dear Diary: I hope [client name] is in a good mood today. He’s seemed agitated lately and I don’t know why…I hope it’s not something I did. I’m sure it’s probably not, but maybe I should just call him and ask. But what if it IS me?

Phone call: “[Over-earnest] Good morning – Happy Monday! Listen…I just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Lately, we’ve been so busy that conversations have become shorter and more sparse.  I just want to make sure that you’re getting everything you need from me.  I just think it’s so important for our relationship that we communicate effectively. I want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need me.

On the Rocks

Dear Diary – I’m so sick of fighting about money. He was so mean to me yesterday...almost abusive, and threatened to cut me off entirely! What a jerk. I know that we’re on a budget, but he just has to understand that not everything can be as black and white as he wants it to be.  I just am amazed that he thinks I’m spending so haphazardly. I’m certainly not asking him to splurge, but I refuse to show up with trash – It reflects on me, after all. I have standards.

Phone call: “Hello, [client name].  I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about what happened yesterday. I very much understand that we’re working from a tight budget, and I think it’s healthy for us to talk about it. But, I think would be best if we had sensitive financial conversations in more discreet settings.  I didn’t appreciate you tone yesterday or the way you were aggressive towards me in front of the group. That won’t help us solve anything

I could go on, but I believe I've proved my point. For an alternative perspective on agency-client relationships, check out this video:

Twitter Cover Letter

Last September, I was not actively searching for a new job, but came across a post for a position at Twitter, and couldn't skip the opportunity to apply. 

I decided to get fancy and compose my cover letter for the position in tweets-140 character installments. I grabbed Twitter's background (this was pre-"New Twitter") to create the work of art below, and even ensured that each of the hyperlinks worked.

(Click image to expand)

I was proud of it, but Twitter was apparently unimpressed, because I never heard back. Maybe that's why I'm account service and not creative.

Berka Consulting Client Outreach

Dear prospective client,

We here at Berka Consulting, Inc. believe that intelligence makes us smarter. And it is that intelligence we want to apply to your business challenge. By pairing strategic market insights with our associates’ refined business acumen, we can construct a plan to surmount whatever formidable business obstacles stand in your way. Each of our colleagues have years of experience manipulating data to best support whatever approach we’re recommending. No, the data may not lead to the implied conclusions we’re making, but we’re so skilled at skewing the perspectives of third-party viewers, you won’t know the difference.

You undoubtedly face a vast range of complex challenges, and we can help you with all of them. Thankfully, we’ve developed a single tool that we cleverly and methodically force-fit to every single one of them. But don’t worry, it will always seem as if we’ve created a process and solution tailored to your specific needs. And that’s exactly what we want you to think. Each of our associates has received very specialized training in mining seemingly useless data and turning it into what appears to be a well-structured, highly integrated solution.

Furthermore, we at Berka Consulting know that the most important kind of capital is thought capital. And that thought capital can be found in a range of different types of people. But we also know it always makes it better if the “thought capital” also has a pretty face. That’s why we factor physical appearance into all hiring decisions. You can be sure that the team you’ll be collaborating with throughout the rigorous analysis phase makes it easy on both your intellect and your eyes.

We look forward to delivering a customized, data-driven plan to put your business on track. Please direct all business inquiries to cberka2 [at] gmail [dot] com.

Sincerely,
J Scott Berka
Partner
Berka Consulting, Inc

Berka Consulting Welcomes Paige J. Deckert

I am pleased to announce the newest addition to Berka Consulting, Inc.  Paige J. Deckert joins the team with impressive qualifications and will be an asset to our organization's success moving forward.  Please join me in welcoming Paige, and you can learn more about her credentials from her application's cover letter below.

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Miss Christine Berka,

I am writing to express interest in your position of associate senior consultant at Berka Consulting, Inc.  Though I lack the last name Berka, I can only hope that I can live up to the very high standards of wit and sarcasm set forth by you, your family, and those ridiculously good looking genes.

Though I appreciate your desire to have extraverted, judgmental people, I will use this as the first reason as to why I would be an important addition to your team.  The Meyers-Briggs test has notoriously low psychometrics.  Because I am getting my PhD, I can use fancy words such as “psychometrics,” and people believe I know what I am talking about.  Other fancy words include “antecedents,” “empirically validated theoretical model,” and “competencies.”

I believe that Berka Consulting should use best practices grounded in research.  When I say something such as “treat your employees better and it will increase their job satisfaction,” I have research to back it up (Graen & Uhl-Bien, 1995).   Research-based phrases can also be used to increase billable time from clients—“the specifics in our plan of action will depend on the context of your organization, to truly understand the situation.  As a result, it will require a site visit” (Johns, 2006).   “If you make work meaningful to the employees, job performance will increase.  It would be best to send a team to interview job incumbents” (Grant, 2008).  By using recent citations, clients will believe that we are on the cutting edge of management research, and our meaningless statements about business will have even more impact. 

As you know, I have 1.5 years experience in consulting.  Though the experience has been valuable, I will understand if you render in null in consideration for employment because of the affiliation with Penn State.  Nonetheless, I have gained learnings about how to work with the police, and people who want your money; I also have experience pretending I know what I am doing, while really flying by the seat of my pants (or skirt). 

I believe that I can contribute to the climate of the firm itself.  By wearing Nine West pumps in an array of colors, I can provide a degree of fabulousness that other applicants cannot supply.  They also serve a dual purpose, because they are excellent for kicking Berka siblings, or unruly clients.  Because of my education and experience, I can also help the employees Berka Consulting.  I believe it would be beneficial to pursue Nine West as the official shoe sponsor.  It has been shown that non-monetary incentives have a positive impact on worker motivation, (Jenkins et al., 1998).   Pairing with Nine West could enable the creation of a “shoe bonus program” at no financial cost to the company.  I believe my sarcastic and dry sense of humor would allow me to maintain a judgmental attitude required by the E _ _J, and is one of the things that has enabled me to hang with the Berka Clan thus far. 

I also have a knack for cooking, and can make pizza and cookies for meetings should the need arise.  Given my entrance into the world of home brewing, we could have a signature “Berka Consulting” brew on tap at the office.  Beer helps in negotiation with clients, and it has been theorized that a small amount of beer is actually a performance enhancer, rather than a performance inhibitor (Deckert & Maneotis*, forthcoming; Sari and I are thinking about applying for a grant to actually test this empirically). 

As you can see, I have an array of talents that could be utilized to better Berka Consulting, Inc.  I am invested in and committed to the future of this organization.

Paige Deckert

PhD Anticipated 2014

*Authorship determined alphabetically

SENIOR ASSOCIATE CONSULTANT

About Berka Consulting, Inc.

Berka Consulting, Incorporated is a global business consulting group specializing in world-class organizational strategy, communication, process and innovation.  We strive to create and optimize best practices in order to gain efficiencies and results across all of our premiere clients. At Berka Consulting Inc., we revolutionize businesses, so they can revolutionize the world.

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Job Description:

As a Senior Associate Consultant you will be responsible for developing and maintaining relationships with a wide breadth of clients.  You will collaborate to fuse cutting-edge business trends with sound traditional practices, offering unmatched resources and solutions for improving revenue cycles and business operations. Throughout all, you will exemplify the unmatched strategic acumen and vision integral to the mission of Berka Consulting, Inc. and the success of our clients.  Primary responsibilities include client ideation partnerships; strategy visioning sessions; process reform and roadmapping; target market immersions; and enterprise communication management.

Qualifications include Bachelor's Degree minimum and E _ _ J Myers-Briggs personality type. Mastery of business rhetoric, the English language and meaningless, yet impactful business analogies. Proficiency in audience persuasion; demonstrated knowledge of elementary business facts and principles; and leadership experience with manipulating group discussions and meetings. Experience in performing arts or public speaking and European accent highly desirable.

Job title:  Senior Associate Consultant

Position type:  Full Time, Employee

Job reference code:  2011-0002

Job category:  Consulting/Business Strategy/Performing Arts

Location:  Chicago , IL

APPLY NOW

Please submit a written application demonstrating your qualifications
Competetive applicants published as guest bloggers here.

Berka Consulting, Inc.

Let’s lay it out on the table: Most consultancy is a joke.  My rationale is sound and I’ll prove it, but let’s begin with an example:

A handful of months ago, I attended a presentation to a cross-section of my company’s leadership on the topic of “Generation Y.”  Since Millennials, as a generation, are really quite the enigma and scientifically non-human, the event organizers invited a handful of young adult employees to attend for translation needs.

I could immediately see why we were invited.  The 26-year-old millionaire on stage was making groundbreaking statements, like how this new generation of employees and customers are “tech-dependent,” demand “instant gratification,” and sometimes come with a “sense of entitlement.” The Boomers in the room nodded vigorously in revelation and jotted thorough notes.  My fellow Millennials and I shot sideways glances at each other, obviously in unanimous thought: We really dropped the ball on writing books that characterize obvious traits of our own generation and pitching ourselves as consultants. 

We commiserated on the way back to our cubes and TPS reports that we should all quit our jobs and return to work for our employer as external consultants, enjoying a third of the work and triple the pay.  No but really—An internal contingency of young adult employees could provide not identical, but better perspective at no cost, with less receptivity from the organization.  But why?

Most obviously, consultants wield the power of some omniscient external perspective.  But to rake in the cash, they have to offer that (typically empty) perspective with flare.  At its heart, the Gen Y presentation consisted of two components: basic facts and a fantastic performance.  Without saying really anything new or of value, the energetic speaker knew his audience exactly and used all of the right examples.  I wish I were joking that his heart-wrenching anecdote at the close of his presentation left some attendees teary-eyed.

Many people try to replicate similar performances on a daily basis in the business world.  Those who fail fill up our Bullshit Bingo cards.  Those who succeed become consultants, and you pay them inordinate amounts of money to state basic business facts in an ostentatiously eloquent manner. 

After some careless consideration, I decided that my aforementioned degree in bullshit and flare for the dramatic positioned me well to go into consulting myself.  I am starting my own company, Berka Consulting, Inc., so I, too, can be a thought-leader in business common sense. 

Do you understand basic concepts like, “It is unprofitable for costs to exceed revenue?”  Do you follow difficult tactics for structuring work akin to, “You need to pair the right skill sets with the right jobs to maximize production?”  If so, consider bankrolling with Berka Consulting, Inc. Applications forthcoming.

Rules of Using Social Media and Staying Employed

Having worked in social media for a large, conservative corporation, mixing work and play was inevitable, and initially terrifying.  It didn’t take long to make the leap to friend and follow coworkers, and I’ve quite enjoyed combining personal and work worlds in a single network. My self-imposed rules of the road have managed to keep me employed…for now. For what they’re worth, here you go:

• Be the friend-ee, not the friend-er: In theory, coworkers can’t be mad or offended when they ask for an opening into your personal life. That doesn’t mean you have to accept them all and certainly doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t…

• Love your privacy settings: Limited profiles and friend groups allow you (without having to do something dumb like use First Name, Middle Name nomenclature) to do things like hide beer pong and pole dancing photos from select groups of people …Not that I know from experience…That said…

• Keep it PG-13: Technically, Facebook does not allow users under the age of 13.  And if ABC Family gets to air Secret Life of The American Teen, I get to use a few four-letter words and talk about drinking. It’s just science, and helps keep reigns on offensive content. And when mockery and offending is necessary…

• Discriminate indiscriminately: No one can take it personally if you make it a goal to offend everyone.  And no one can argue with witty digs on stupid people who deserve it. But remember to...

• Discriminate against yourself the most: Everyone appreciates a little self-deprecation, and you only have yourself to offend. But when you must rip on people you work with…

• Attack your boss to their face: The walls of social media are like cube walls, not offices. For any coworker really, if you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t say it at all, even if you’re not connected via social networks.  For example, I tell @KellyThul how much I loathe him on Twitter and Facebook directly, because talking behind people’s back is just rude.  Under these circumstances, however, it becomes very important to…

• Know when to shut up: I haven’t learned this yet, but I understand the concept—If you question whether or not to say it, don’t.  Also, if you have the urge to share super-secret business information, or boring confidential/proprietary material you should 1) Not and 2) Get a life.

Easy enough, right?