I am pleased to announce the newest addition to Berka Consulting, Inc. Paige J. Deckert joins the team with impressive qualifications and will be an asset to our organization's success moving forward. Please join me in welcoming Paige, and you can learn more about her credentials from her application's cover letter below.
Miss Christine Berka,
I am writing to express interest in your position of associate senior consultant at Berka Consulting, Inc. Though I lack the last name Berka, I can only hope that I can live up to the very high standards of wit and sarcasm set forth by you, your family, and those ridiculously good looking genes.
Though I appreciate your desire to have extraverted, judgmental people, I will use this as the first reason as to why I would be an important addition to your team. The Meyers-Briggs test has notoriously low psychometrics. Because I am getting my PhD, I can use fancy words such as “psychometrics,” and people believe I know what I am talking about. Other fancy words include “antecedents,” “empirically validated theoretical model,” and “competencies.”
I believe that Berka Consulting should use best practices grounded in research. When I say something such as “treat your employees better and it will increase their job satisfaction,” I have research to back it up (Graen & Uhl-Bien, 1995). Research-based phrases can also be used to increase billable time from clients—“the specifics in our plan of action will depend on the context of your organization, to truly understand the situation. As a result, it will require a site visit” (Johns, 2006). “If you make work meaningful to the employees, job performance will increase. It would be best to send a team to interview job incumbents” (Grant, 2008). By using recent citations, clients will believe that we are on the cutting edge of management research, and our meaningless statements about business will have even more impact.
As you know, I have 1.5 years experience in consulting. Though the experience has been valuable, I will understand if you render in null in consideration for employment because of the affiliation with Penn State. Nonetheless, I have gained learnings about how to work with the police, and people who want your money; I also have experience pretending I know what I am doing, while really flying by the seat of my pants (or skirt).
I believe that I can contribute to the climate of the firm itself. By wearing Nine West pumps in an array of colors, I can provide a degree of fabulousness that other applicants cannot supply. They also serve a dual purpose, because they are excellent for kicking Berka siblings, or unruly clients. Because of my education and experience, I can also help the employees Berka Consulting. I believe it would be beneficial to pursue Nine West as the official shoe sponsor. It has been shown that non-monetary incentives have a positive impact on worker motivation, (Jenkins et al., 1998). Pairing with Nine West could enable the creation of a “shoe bonus program” at no financial cost to the company. I believe my sarcastic and dry sense of humor would allow me to maintain a judgmental attitude required by the E _ _J, and is one of the things that has enabled me to hang with the Berka Clan thus far.
I also have a knack for cooking, and can make pizza and cookies for meetings should the need arise. Given my entrance into the world of home brewing, we could have a signature “Berka Consulting” brew on tap at the office. Beer helps in negotiation with clients, and it has been theorized that a small amount of beer is actually a performance enhancer, rather than a performance inhibitor (Deckert & Maneotis*, forthcoming; Sari and I are thinking about applying for a grant to actually test this empirically).
As you can see, I have an array of talents that could be utilized to better Berka Consulting, Inc. I am invested in and committed to the future of this organization.
PhD Anticipated 2014
*Authorship determined alphabetically