Sunday, February 7, 2016

Clinton Campaign Feminist Séance Backfires

New Hampshire–Feb 7th 2016

Following strong endorsements over the weekend from living feminist legends Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright, the Clinton campaign saw instant poll number boosts from guilty young feminists who had begun to support opponent Bernie Sanders.

Hoping to ride on the momentum of using notable feminists to berate young, delinquent feminists into supporting their candidate, the Clinton campaign doubled down on this strategy in advance of the New Hampshire primaries by pouring the remaining of their marketing/PR budget into séances.

“We realized we were really limiting ourselves by only talking with the living old-school feminists,” said a Clinton camp representative, “That’s why we decided to enlist Theresa Caputo, Long Island Medium, to draw endorsements from the most respected feminist leaders of our nation’s past.”

The séances all started according to plan.

“If you don't’ have a crisp pant suit, you’ve got nothing. Us pant suits must stick together,” urged Marlene Deitrich.

But all went south when Caputo made contact with Hull House founder, Jane Addams.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Caputo lamented, “You know, the Clinton camp put all of their trust in this process for endorsements, but I can’t control what the dead are going to say.”

“Why wouldn’t we want the nation’s wealth to work as hard as it can for all of our citizens, especially the poorest and most vulnerable? I think Sanders really has the right idea.” Addams started.

After Jane Addams voiced support for Sanders’ democratic socialist policies, Caputo says that dozens of undead feminists fought over the Sanders soapbox. Nightingale supported single payer healthcare. Angelou recited fresh poetry about free college education for all.

"We didn't fight for women's right to vote so that they could follow an arbitrary herd mentality," suffragette leader Anna Howard Shaw retorted when Caputo desperately tried to coax a Clinton endorsement.

“We’re deeply disappointed,” the Clinton campaign reported this afternoon, “With only one day left to the primary and our budget spent, we will just have to rely on our eleventh-hour guerrilla tactics.”

While the campaign would not reveal the content of these secret guerrilla tactics, sources close to the campaign said that volunteers were recruited to paste feminine pads painted with the phrase “We bleed together!” around polling locations throughout the state.

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