Stages of Dieting Grief

During some downtime recently, basking in the post-consumption euphoria of a particularly amazing Chipotle burrito whilst also fighting the powerful urge to indulge in a double chocolate chip cookie dessert, I found myself pondering my relationship with food.

I had a revelation: My emotional process for dieting mirrors the psychological process for grieving. If I look back on my Whole Life Challenge experience or any other attempts to diet, for that matter, the phases are evident. As an example, let's take my thought process for said cookie that is lingering in my line of site for the entire time I am composing this post:

Denial

"I don't need to be on a diet. I'm not that fat and I workout a significant amount. Maybe I should just get the cookie. Look at it. It's scrumptious. Mmm. Cookie."

Anger

"Damn everything. Damn myself for pining for the cookie even though I'm not hungry. Damn society for making me feel like I need to diet. Damn Starbucks for stocking it. Damn Nestle Tollhouse for making the first chocolate chip cookie that was the domino to ruin so many lives."

Bargaining

"I mean, Chipotle was a realistically healthy dinner – I got the salad and used no dressing, cheese or sour cream. And really, although a large potion at once, it seemed like a very reasonable volume of food in the context of my intake for the day. I could probably afford the cookie...But wait, I'm getting drinks later and this cookie will cause me to forfeit a beer or two."

Depression

"This sucks. I really want that cookie and beer later. Why does it have to be one or the other? I'm going to miss out on all of it's chocolatey goodness. If only I had a little better self control, I wouldn't have eaten like crap all weekend and would be able to eat this cookie. And if I had much better self control I wouldn't have this debate with myself in the first place. And I wouldn't be such a fatty. I'm worthless. A fat, worthless, self-control lacking slob."

Acceptance

This stage is usually not afforded to me, and I proceed to eat all of the aforementioned feelings. When I do arrive at acceptance, it's begrudgingly: "Well, I guess I need to make the healthy decision (so I can drink beer later)."

WLC Learning #7 & #6

WLC Learning #7 - I'm Not Actually An Alcoholic

OK, let me preface by saying that I was never actually concerned that I was an alcoholic. Drinking, however, is part of the social culture in which I roll, and it's not uncommon for me to drink both weekend nights and one weekday night, especially in the summer in Chicago where patios scream your name.

I didn't know how I would react to the alcohol abstinence and, given how poorly I was reacting to the deprivation of everything else, anything could happen. But weekends came and went and I really didn't miss the booze. We did allow ourselves two cheat days that centered around the consumption of everything, especially alcohol. The good news is that, while I did feel the effects more quickly, I still managed to avoid the next-day hangovers per the usual. The trick to that, of course, is awesomely greasy food when the night is over. That's the first and most important thing you learn in college, I think.

While it's great that I validated that I have no dependency on booze, I learned that I am addicted to (what else?) sugar.

WLC Learning #6 - Sugar Is In Literally Everything

You think you don't have a sugar addiction? You're wrong. We all do. Know why? THEY PUT THAT SHIT IN EVERYTHING. I will no longer claim that "I am a grease fiend–Give me pizza over sugar any day."

I believe I wrote during week one of this Whole Life Challenge that I would have killed a hobo for a cookie and in week two or three chronicled the Candy Corn Affair of 2013. I really had no idea that it was in my marinara sauces, random, unassuming snack foods, and in my bacon. My poor, sweet bacon! Once I took it out of my normal foods, I jonesed hard like I never have before, hiding in dark corners and plotting a raid of the solar skittle machine. The CPG industry has had me addicted to sugar all these years and I hadn't a clue.

WLC Learning #10

Whole Life Challenge Learning #10 - Business Makes You Fat

Friends, at this point, you know what I eat, that I CrossFit, that I'm a cheating, lying son-of-a-bitch and intimately how I feel about this WLC. For these final 10 days, I'm instead going to share my top 10 Whole Life Challenge Learnings. Beginning with...

#10) Business Makes You Fat

It's a wonder that every American business person doesn't weigh 300lbs. As I write this, I just arrived back to my hotel room following the kick off reception of a conference. A healthcare conference, to be exact. At this healthcare conference, I stood in an exhibit hall for three hours full of people munching on buffet tables of fried food and buzzing around the several bars with not 1, but 5 free drink tickets. 

I pregamed this event with a salad which allowed me to mostly stay away from the buffet table. As it ended, I emerged proud and triumphant for having maintained self control and sticking to my plan. Feeling finally free of temptation and slinking away to my room, I passed a crowd of conference-goers convening in a post-reception room full of free pizza, s'mores and booze whispering sweet nothings into my ear. Snap back to reality and I see it's not the food beconing me, but a client prospect.

"You're having some s'mores with us, right!?" she coaxed cheerfully, 

"For sure! I'll stop in for a bit," I internally crumbled. I made a quick lap, never looking a marshmallow or pepperoni in the eye, and shuffled desperately back to my room to get my 10 in pathetic minutes of exercise.

So goes business conferences, and I endured 2 during the course of the Whole Life Challenge. Business networking centers around unhealthy behaviors - happy hours, networking dinners, appetizers, baked good smorgasbords disguised as "coffee breaks." And don't forget the travel food and lack of time for any physical activity.

You think you're safe at the office, and you're wrong. You eat your feeble reheated lunch and are forced to combat birthday bagels and donuts, leftover sweets from client meetings, catered in deep dish pizza and a god-forsaken solar candy machine that only requires you to cast a godamn shadow for a hand full of Skittles, M&Ms or the candy de jour. I hate that candy machine. We are not friends.

Cumulative Deductions: 32

Whole Life Challenge Day 45

Monday, October 21st

1) What did you consume?

The banana, too many pumpkin bars, some almonds, a barbacoa salad from Chipotle and a scrambled egg.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, I went to CrossFit and worked out with mediocre performance. But I realized that I forgot to brag (let's call a spade a spade) about having done 55 strict pull-ups during the WOD on Friday–A huge accomplishment for me. Basically it's like I've taken off a 10lb weight vest. All bar work feels exponentially easier.

Still not worth it.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge?

Yes, by my own standards.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

Gum and Skittles

5) How do you feel?

Feeling OK. But let's talk for a second about how awesome my dad is. Everyday, as I've said before, he brings me a banana, a bag of almonds and usually some additional fruit. The fruit always disappears, but I learned early into the challenge that eating too many nuts was giving me headaches. However, I always gladly and thankfully accept his food gifts for two reasons:

1. Never, ever turn down free food. Ever.
2. It's a really nice reminder of why I am doing the Whole Life Challenge and the amazing people in my life who support me everyday.

The end result, however is the absolutely hilarious amount of almonds in my desk drawer. Probably a gallon spread across a bevy of ziplock bags:

Rest assured these almonds will be eaten. And probably my dad will read this (thanks, Dad!) and decide tomorrow morning that maybe I don't need anymore almonds, per se. But those little bags of almonds and I have been through some hard times (First World problems), and I appreciate my family's support, since I know not everyone has that luxury (real talk).

Cumulative Deductions: 31

Whole Life Challenge Days 42-43-44

Second to Last Weekend in Hell

1) What did you consume?

Scroll to bottom for recipe for
Berka's Baked Good Frenzy Pumpkin Bars

I ate clean all weekend except for dessert at a family BBQ on Saturday. It included one of my future mother-in-law's pumpkin cupcakes and 2 s'mores (you can't have just one, as anyone who's seen The Sandlot knows). I'm grouping this cheat together as a combo dessert for 1 point deduction. If I had gone to I restaurant and ordered some slice of 5-layer chocolate cake with ice cream or something, that would only be a point. I'm merely adjusting for scale.

As far as supplements, I took the usual fish oil on Friday, vitamin D on Sunday, and on Saturday...Zyrtec.

Sunday night after dinner I scavenged the fridge for a piece of fruit to no avail. In a calm fit of desperation, I pulled out my food processor and set out to make something sweet and delicious with only ingredients available in my meager kitchen. Unbelievably, it worked. Scroll to the bottom for the recipe.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Not particularly. I worked out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday. I could have definitely found time either day, but I just didn't feel like it. I also didn't get mobility in on Sunday. Meh.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how do you feel?

The new lifestyle challenge is to spend 10 minutes a day doing "something you love." How touching. Clearly this is a challenge, like every other aspect of this challenge, programmed for people who don't work demanding full time jobs in Chicago. I wake up, commute about 2 hours round trip, work 8+ hours, hit the gym, scramble to find food to cram in my face at 8:30 or 9:00 at night, sleep and repeat. The WLC wants me to what, knit from 10:00-10:10PM? Learn how to play guitar in all my spare time? I'm counting my blogging for this because I enjoy writing and I've no time to add anything else.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

I'm deducting 7 points for the weekend–4 for workouts missed, 2 for mobility missed, and 1 for dessert on Saturday. However, I did also have 3 Skittles, 3 chocolate chips and 1 dark chocolate Hershey's kiss. Meh.

Also, those of you who think an extra Zyrtec can't count as as a supplement, you obviously don't have allergies like I do. And if that's not good enough, then I will propose my blood pressure medication as an alternative. But you'll allow one of them, and you'll like it.

5) How do you feel?

It's getting even harder to follow the Whole Life Challenge as it's winding down. I'm feeling more defiant and even my fiancé pointed out my slippage. Which, for all the fiancés keeping track out there, does not earn you brownie points. Mostly because the brownies don't exist. There are no brownies.

But really, it was appropriate that we took a road trip to central Illinois both at the beginning and end of this challenge. It didn't get easier. There was still nothing sufficient to eat on the road except for fruit and nuts, which still annoyed me to the core.

Cumulative Deductions: 31

Berka's Baked Good Frenzy Pumpkin Bars

• 36 oz whole pitted dates
• ~ 1/2 c canned pumpkin 
• ~ 2 T pumpkin pie spice
• 3 eggs

1. Blend dates until they become as smooth as possible .
2. Slowly add in pumpkin and allow to blend with dates thoroughly.
3. Add eggs and pumpkin pie spice, blend thoroughly. Batter should feel like really soft cookie dough or really thick brownie.
4. Spread evenly across a 9 x 13 cookie sheet (I greased mine in coconut oil) and bake at 325 for 15-18 minutes
5. Allow to cool and cut in to desired sized bars

The final consistency is like a lemon bar - Thin, a little gooey, and delicious.

Whole Life Challenge Day 41

Thursday, October 17th

1) What did you eat?

Stuff.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

I was so sore from the last two days of CrossFit that I slept in compression tights and still couldn't move yesterday. Multiple people at work threatened to push me over with a gentle tap into a swift wind because I was so pathetically stiff.  So I took an unplanned off day to get laundry done and recover. Trust me when I say that the trips up and down stairs required for laundry were all of the exercise and mobility that my body could handle.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how it it feel?

Feels like this lifestyle challenge is really dumb. It must only benefit people who consume no media at all during the day.

4) Did you cheat lie?

I ate 6 Skittles and chewed gum. Also, after my diligence at ensuring a compliant lunch at Mezza the other day, it turns out that the woman on the phone was full of crap. They replied to my Facebook ingredient inquiry 24 hours later:

So, that's what I get for trying. And I didn't even find out in enough time to purge it and pray for my sins.

5) How do you feel?

Only 14 days left and the end can't come soon enough!

Cumulative Deductions: 24

Whole Life Challenge Day 39

Tuesday, October 16th

1) What did you consume?

Didn't eat much because work was so busy. I had a Larabar, a banana (I think), an apple, 1/2 of a chicken breast and, for dinner, a small steak fajita salad.

We also found pure almond milk at Jewel the other day in the produce section near the Naked Juice. I had some of that mixed with a little cinnamon and stevia and it tasted kind of like horchata, though didn't blend very well.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Sometimes a good workout is just the cure for a bad day and last night was no exception. 

3) Did you complete the lifestyle objective and how did it feel?

I perused some articles on the interwebs, now someone please tell me where that goes on my time sheet.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

Gum.

5) How do you feel?

I feel like we're finally nearing the home stretch. Which is a terrible place to be, actually. It's like when you're running a race and nice volunteers who think they're helping tell you that the finish line is "just around the corner" but really it's a mile away. So you let it all out of your tank to kick towards the finish only to exhaust yourself half a mile later in front of another group of volunteers bidding you just around another corner.

Cumulative Deductions: 24

Whole Life Challenge Day 35

Friday, October 11th

1) What did you consume?

An apple for breakfast, a shepherd's salad for lunch, and steak fajitas and half a sweet potato for dinner. Dessert was a sliced apple with natural crunchy peanut butter. 

Our office's Senioir Art Director/Master Baker was at it agian with bite-sized pumpkin oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They were out of control. As I was I. My original plan was to put 2 in a bag and save them for my epic cheat day just around the corner. But, to confirm they were worth it, I needed to taste test. 

That's when it all fell apart, they were so delicious that I had to eat three, which I felt was a fair serving size for a single point deduction. So, in an epic fail, I lost a point two days before my cheat day. An I still tools some for the road. Typical.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, went to CrossFit. Mobilized in the warmup. Kind of.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle goal?

Uh-huh

4) Did you cheat/lie?

I started off trying to lie about the the cookie taste test. But it turned into a full-on cheat. Whoopsies.

Also, I ate the vinegarette dressing that came with the lunch salad. I don't know what's in it, but I'm not deducting a point. The salad's not the same with out it and there was no other option. Stop judging me for salad, jerk.

5) How do you feel?

We stocked up for our epic cheat day car ride:

Also stocked up on insulin shots.

Cumulative deductions: 14

Whole Life Challenge Day 34

Thursday, October 10th

1) What did you consume?

Probably too much fruit? Two apples, a banana, and some strawberries. But you know what fruit's not? Pizza. So I've decided to care a little less about my fruit consumption. Also on the fruit front, I've gotten in the habit, when I am craving a dessert-like substance, of peeling and slicing up a peach, then microwaving it for 1 minute or so on the medium-high setting with a little stevia and a lot of cinnamon. It's like warm, gooey peach pie filling and it's delicious.

I also had two buffalo chicken egg muffins that we made a while ago and froze. Made for a good, fast lunch. We modified this recipe from Fast Paleo to include diced jalapenos and red peppers. We also didn't cook and shred our own chicken. Ain't nobody got time for that. We used the canned stuff from Sam's Club and it tasted great.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, I went to CrossFit and it was a great 7:30 group. The workout was 10 rounds of 10 overhead kettlebell swings, 15 situps and 20 double unders. The movements were definitely in my favor, but my superhero friend (that's you, Mac) murdered everyone. You couldn't even see the rope during her double unders.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

I completed it to the dissatisfaction of all two of my loyal readers. I hope I am making up for it now.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

No. But I am cheating/lying as I am writing this, so tune in tomorrow.

5) How do you feel?

CHRISTMAS IS COMING! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!  That's obviously false but exactly represents how I feel about the upcoming wedding this weekend. Just like Christmas, I've made a list, checking it twice, for my day of gluttony. It sits on a whiteboard outside of my office cube as a reminder of what I can look forward to. Here it is:

Also like Christmas, I have to remind myself not to cheat this close to the epic cheat day. "Christy, you can't buy that Barbie now, because what if santa gets it for you for Christmas?" That was exactly the mentality of the fiancé and I at dinner this week when the waiter waved the saliva-inducing dessert tray in front of us.

Cumulative deductions: 13

Whole Life Challenge Day 33

Wednesday, October 9th

1) What did you consume?

At work I ate a banana and a Larabar, then a crazy awesome dinner at Tango Sur, an Argentinean Streak house. The fiancé and I shared a huge cut of meat and roasted sweet potatoes after eating the prosciutto and melon appetizer.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes! Matt and I had our engagement photos last night and we were running all around Chicago, climbing things, chasing the sunset and moving around get awesome shots. I can't wait to see how they turned out.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how does it feel?

Yep. Blogging and reflecting away.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure the prosciutto at Tango Sur was legal. But if it's wrong I don't want to be right.

5) How do you feel?

My crazy work week has not permitted time for feelings. However the engagement shoot was fun and the dinner following was lovely.

Cumulative deductions: 13

Whole Life Challenge Day 32

Tuesday, October 9th

1) What did you consume?

I case you were wondering how many fun sized packages of M&Ms equal 1 Whole Life Challenge Nutrition point, the answer is 4.

Other than stress-eating those at work, I ate a banana, two small apples and a chicken avocado salad with mustard vinaigrette dressing from Pret. (Thanks, Pret, for actually having dressing without sugar). For dinner I had a ladleful of chili on top of a fried egg and some veggie chips and guacamole.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, went to CrossFit and tweaked my shoulder a little doing jumping muscle ups so I had to do a lot of mobility out of necessity afterwards.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge?

Yes, but we really need to go back to the water thing. I clearly won't keep it up on my own, and now I'm getting dehydration headaches at a much lower threshold because the first lifestyle challenge trained my body to expect all the water that I'm no longer giving it. #WholeLifeFail

4) Did you cheat/lie?

I deducted 1 point for 4 fun sized packages of M&Ms. But let's be honest, everyone knows that those packages are not even close to a fair serving size. I had to get my fair cheat.

5) How do you feel?

Meh. The long runs and long row in tonight's workout felt pretty good. So there's that.

Whole Life Challenge Days 28-29-30

To Hell, Now Back – Half Way Done

Mmmm. Paloma.

1) What did you consume?

A variety of things you don't care about. And a double tequila drink to celebrate the half way mark (Everybody cares about tequila).

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, we walked a LOT on Friday, which was a CrossFit off day. Sunday, I went to olympic lifting class. 

Saturday, one of my favorite workout-partners-in-crime and I attacked a deceptively awful, but awesome partner WOD. It left all of us panting on the ground. During the workout, as we were huffing and puffing, we happened to notice that a small group of people had gathered who were waiting for the 11:30 intro class. The greenest of the green to CrossFit, they were looking on with horrified gazes wondering what they were about to get themselves into. 

I don't know about the other dozen people at the 10:30AM workout who also ended up in fetal position on the floor, but I know that my partner and I couldn't resist dramatizing our pain. We collapsed into our last step of the final prowler pushes into agony and languish on the floor. The agony and languish was real, but positioning our collapse at the feet of the intro class was for our own gratification. It was very effective. Welcome to Edgewater CrossFit.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

The new lifestyle challenge is practicing 10 minutes of "mindfulness" or journaling everyday. I have this blog. #NailedIt.

4) Did you cheat/lie

I had a drink to celebrate the half way point of the WLC. Minus one, hard-earned point. Worth it. I also almost caved and had pizza, so thanks to the honest waitress at Improv Olympics who told me that their ripped off frozen pizza sucks and saved me a cheat.

5) How do you feel?

The last week has been good. I don't know if it represents the overcoming of a plateau or a high in this bi-polar roller coaster, but I need to acknowledge it because of how terrible the lows have felt.

Cumulative Deductions: 13

Whole Life Challenge Day 27

Thursday, October 3rd

1) What did you consume?

For breakfast I had a veggie and bacon omelet. Lunch was a banana and a handful of almonds followed by an afternoon Larabar snack. I made a really baller meatloaf for dinner. I followed this recipe with the following modifications:

• Sub chicken broth for olive oil & vinegar salad dressing
• Sub Worcestershire sauce for Franks hot sauce
• Sub 1 of the onions for 2 diced green peppers
• Baked in a mini loaf pan for easier portioning and faster cooking time (35 min)

It was absolutely delicious and yielded a lot of food for the time to prepare and cook. We'll definitely be eating this again.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, I went to CrossFit where we got to back squat. I love back squats. They're my favorite. What I love significantly less is overhead squats, which were programmed in the workout. Despite the expletives muttered during the workout (you'd been forewarned, people), I actually felt good about tackling a metcon that forced me to work on my weaknesses.

I did some mobility as part of the warmup for the workout, but I probably should have done more. It's an easy thing to brush off and rationalize.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge?

Yes.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

The bacon in the omelet was probably not legal, since most bacon is cured in sugar or other illegal substances. Frankly, however, I don't give a damn. I eat it so infrequently and in such small quantities that I'm letting it fly without deducting a point. It adds so much flavor to my veggie omelets that I can otherwise get pretty bored with. Before you tell me that there are so many other WLC approved things I can do to add flavor to my omelet, know that I get the thing made from the cafeteria in my building and am beholden to those available ingredients. So, I'm doing my best to work with it.

5) How to you feel?

Another good day, thank god. Although I was exhausted taking the time to prepare the meatloaf after a 12+ hour day and we had to eat late (like 10:00 PM or so), it was totally worth it. This time, anyway.

Cumulative Deductions: Still -12

Whole Life Challenge Day 26

Wednesday, October 2nd

1) What did you consume?

Let's see–Had an apple, a handful of almonds and coffee for breakfast; chicken salad from Chipotle for lunch; an afternoon Larabar and, for dinner, rotisserie chicken, 1/2 a sweet potato and some salad. A banner day after about 4 straight days of docking points.

2)  Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, I went to a great 7:30PM CrossFit class with many of my favorite WOD buddies. We did heavy power cleans on the minute for 10 minutes followed by Elizabeth (21-15-9 power cleans and ring dips).

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how do you feel?

Yes, but my work schedule this week is making me extra tired, and I require more coffee in the morning.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

Okay, so, the salad dressing that I found at Jewel after reading approximately 3,761 labels was the only one without sugar. All of the ingredients were fine, but the label said "canola oil or soybean oil," whatever-the-hell that means. Do they switch it up at the factory so that people don't get  bored? They like to spice things up on Fridays and go a little crazy with the soybean oil instead? Anyway, I put my bet on the canola oil and ate it without regret.

5) How do you feel?

I'm in a little upswing, thankfully. I've felt pretty good the last few days, minus being exhausted all the time. My fitness is continually improving, which is nice, and I felt really strong on all of the cleans yesterday.

In reflecting on this challenge, I've determined that an issue I am encountering has to do with the psychology of its structuring. I'm not a psychologist, but I moonlighted in more than a handful of classes in college and consulted with one of my best friends who's completing her PhD in psychology, so I'm basically an expert.

The issue for me is that it is mostly based on a conditioning model of punishment (mess up, lose a point) versus positive reinforcement (do well, earn points–the Weight Watchers model). There are instances of positive reinforcement, as in the bonus points for journaling, but not in the nutrition component, which is my arch nemesis. And those bonus points are positioned to correct screw-ups and reverse punishment. So, before you get to use bonus points earned out of positive reinforcement, you first have to get punished. Operant conditioning research consistently shows that positive reinforcement is more effective at shaping behaviors than negative reinforcement or punishment. Here's some more info on that.

Now, some of you may be thinking that I'm missing the point of the Whole Life Challenge. That it's about finding a balance and developing sustainable behaviors. But I'm following the rules, and the rules do not reflect that goal. If they did, bonus points wouldn't exist to fix screw-ups. The WLC would instead build in 1 cheat meal a week, and 1 totally missed day of working out with no punishment–Variables to achieve a goal of balance and sustainability. There are probably some small changes the WLC can make to reframe their conditioning model in a more positive way and I hope they consider it in the future.


Cumulative Deductions: Still -12

Whole Life Challenge Days 24 & 25

September 30th and October 1st

1) What did you consume?

I somehow managed to only get 1 point off for each remaining day for the work conference that I attended–Quite a feat considering the schedule of events. Each were on stupid appetizers, but I was starving. The first of the two days I could have opted for raw veggies instead of the hot appetizers that we're floating around. But eff that.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

It can generally be very challenging during conferences to be active because your schedule is booked solid for 12 exhausting hours. Fortunately, since this one was in my hometown of Chicago, I was able to do some goat training (8 push-ups every minute for 20 minutes) in my living room on Monday and made it to CrossFit last night.

3) Did you compete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

Yes, but I think I should have jut been pretending that the water challenge was in effect the whole time, because my hydration has totally fallen off and the sleep is not a change in behavior.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

I'm deducting two total points for the appetizers I ate, estimating that each offense equated to a serving.

5) How do you feel?

I felt better yesterday and we're approaching the halfway point on this thing. To help understand the effect of this Whole Life Challenge on me and to appropriately set expectations with coworkers, I made the graph below to display outside my cube.

As you can see, I've discovered that my level of profanity is almost directly proportionate to the duration of the Whole Life Challenge. This makes sense due to the research out of Harvard and a host of other academic institutions, which demonstrated that swearing clinically reduces pain. You can't fault me for science, people. Just keep me off client calls for a while.

My original graph would have what those in the math field call a "best-fit" equation that is linear. But my coworkers correctly adapted my original graph to reflect the relief I will feel from the epic cheat day that is my friends' wedding.

Cumulative deductions: 12

Whole Life Challenge Day 20

Thursday, September 27th

1) What did you consume?

An omelet with bacon and veggies, a bowl of fruit, a banana, >2 handfuls of almonds, and and awesome plate of "nachos" with veggie chips, spicy chicken, black beans, salsa and guacamole. It was fast and easy for a change.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes - Went to CrossFit and did a little bit of mobility.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

Yes, and I woke up exhausted.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

The bacon in my omelet should cost me a point, but I get it so infrequently, and it was so necessary mentally, that I'm not docking a point. It's just a tablespoon worth of bacon. Get over it.

5) How do you feel?

I'm emotionally volatile. A ticking time bomb. I feel like this:

Not the excited, scared or addicted to caffeine pills part, but the generally swift to collapse into blubbering idiocy (see definition here). If I keep it up I may not have a fiancé to speak of anymore.

I'm vehemently resentful of the lifestyle changes, especially those that are unnecessary. "Hey, let's be social and engage in a non-drinking activity with a friend we haven't seen in a while" is immediately followed by "Ooh, but how are we going to get a workout in (having already gone to CrossFit 3 days in a row)?" 

We'll you know what, Whole Life Challenge? My hips and shoulders are gassed from an intense 3 day cycle that followed an intense 5 day cycle, I've been working out regularly, and you can take your 10 minutes and shove it.

Methinks the toll on my mental and emotional well being may not be worth the physical benefits of the WLC, which mostly I haven't seen yet anyway.

Cumulative points lost: -4

Whole Life Challenge Day 19

Wednesday, September 26th

1) What did you consume?

The banana, a handful of almonds, chicken, cauliflower hash, a larabar, 2 hard boiled eggs, and a little bit of a taco salad/bowl from Flacos Tacos that I gave most of to my ravenous, grumpy fiancé (it was his turn to low-blood sugar rage).

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes, I went to CrossFit and did minimal mobility.

3) Did you cheat/lie?

I had a another forkful of apple pie and 5 pieces of candy corn. I know, I know–I'm sliding. I'll dock a point to teach myself a lesson. (Here is what I just deleted in a moment of good conscience: "I'm not docking a point, but I won't do it again. I promise.")

4) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

I slept a full 7 hours and am still tired as always.

5) How do you feel?

Conversations like these are what my life has come to:

I stepped on the scale yesterday, granted a different one than I weighed-in on at the start of the challenge, and without adjusting for scale variance, I've lost 8 lbs. And I don't even care. As a former weight-obsessed anorexoid, if that's not representative of my mentality towards this challenge, I don't know what is.

In other news, I forgot to record yesterday's points and apparently the points that I did record for the day before also didn't register, either due to the second confirmation screen or my ADHD at work. So, I'm pretty much altogether abandoning tracking my score on the WLC website. I don't know why they impose such rigid time constraints anyway. Instead, I will be tracking my points lost on this blog. I am also giving myself all 24 bonus points available throughout the challenge for journaling because, obviously, I'm keeping up with that. Currently I am at -4 points. Bonus points will be applied at the end.

Whole Life Challenge Day 18

Tuesday, September 24th

1) What did you consume?

A banana bread Larabar for breakfast, some chicken and cauliflower hash for lunch, a small bowl of fruit in the afternoon, a handful of nuts pre-workout and shredded beef on a fried egg with veggie chips and guacamole. A textbook day. Minus the forkful of apple pie...

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Good lord, I was active enough for two days. I ran just under two miles to CrossFit. It was truly "Tough Times With Tommy," our motto for when a particular coach is leading us. We did easily 20 minutes of hip and shoulder mobility. Then we did Super Grace, which is 30 squat clean and jerks for max load in a 15 minute cap. So at the end, your score is reps x weight.

THEN just for a "cool down" exercise, we rowed 2000 meters, stopping every 500 meters to do 10 strict pull-ups. Real "cool."

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how does it feel?

Yes, but my body wants more sleep than 7 hours, which is really needy and selfish of it. It's going to be grateful for what's is given and it's going to like it.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

A forkful of apple pie and gum. No points deducted.

5) How do you feel?

I'm finally feeling a little better today–It's definitely easier on weekdays to comply with the WLC and not think so much about it. I also felt great because my workouts really affect my mood and fortunately I felt awesome about my workouts yesterday. Not only did I feel strong but I sustained a high volume of work over a pretty long time.

The nutrition piece has become a count down to my friends' wedding on October 13th, which is going to be an epic cheat day. I'm already salivating from the level of beautiful gluttony that will take place. I hope Sarah and John (bride and groom to be) have planned for an adequate amount of cake. And by adequate, I mean a whole second one for me.

I've seen people's Whole Life Challenge reflections where they are proud of achieving a "perfect cheat day" where they lost all 5 nutrition points, but not a point more. Their pride is shameful. How dare they waste a cheat day by using only 5 points. Once you spend the 5, you can't dip negative for the day, so
for the love of god, KEEP GOING. Let's not be all "noble" about it. You're only hurting yourselves.

Whole Life Challenge Day 13

Thursday, September 19th

1) What did you consume?

The usual suspects for breakfast/snacks. The pumpkin cookies in my office we're replaced (consumed by normal people with their human right to eat whatever they goddamn please) with candy corn.

I admit that I had 3 morsels of candy corn, and high fructose corn syrup never tasted so good. But I immediately stopped myself and turned to my chicken and baby kale salad that I brought for lunch. It tasted really earthy. I'd prefer it tasted like high fructose corn syrup. Capped the day off with shredded beef and egg and sweet potato and beet chips.

2-3-4) Activity, Lifestyle, Cheating?

Worked out and badly ripped my hand doing toes-to-bar. Drank water. Cheated with candy corn and docked no points because it was only three pieces.

5) How do you feel?

Jesus-It's only day thirteen? This Whole Life Challenge is abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. All I do is cook and clean and cook and clean. I'm waiting for someone to call "Cinderella!!" to me out of the shadows. I'm a slave to this lifestyle after 12 hour days and there is no time to relax or wind down when I get home. It's not that I have a problem with the food I'm eating. It's fine. It's just that it takes quadruple the time to produce and clean and doesn't taste nearly as good as the store bought stuff. Any Paleo-ite who tries to tell you that it all tastes better is full of shit. And deep down they know it.

Last night, the fiancé–who has a name, and it's Matt–and I were cooking because, what else is new? Anyone who has met me for 5 seconds would not be surprised that I don't have a homemaker's kitchen. So there we were, huddled in our kitchen alcove with minimal counter space, 1 outlet, 2 food processors, ingredients for 2 recipes and 0 dishwashers. We were bumping into each other with every move. Shit was falling off the counters.

When we finally finished cooking by 11:30PM, my kitchen looked like a hurricane had hit it. Cocoa powder sprayed across the counter. Jalapeño seeds on the floor. Dirty dishes everywhere. We began the cleaning process and I seared my freshly ripped hand with every dish washed. Occasionally even yelping in pain. On one such occasion, I dropped a glass baking dish with a loud crash into the sink. Thankfully it didn't break, but I did. Unless the remaining few dishes were going to get cleaned with the pure venom I was spewing, they were staying dirty overnight.

As we're turing in, Matt said, "You already look like you're leaning-out."

"Really? Thanks," I mumbled.

"Does that make it worth it?" he tried.

"Not at all."

Whole Life Challenge Day 12

Wednesday, September 18th

1) What did you consume?

A veggie omelet, a banana, a Larabar a handful of nuts and a shredded beef salad. I also thought it would be okay to dock a point to have a delicious pumpkin spice cookie that our office's senior art director/master chef brought into work (thanks, Linda!). The universe repaid me by making me forget to record my score for the day prior. Ugh.

2) We're you active and what did you do?

AMRAP laundry and cleaning house for ~4 hours. Scored 5 loads, 1 bag full of shoes to donate and a 1/2 reorganized kitchen. I'm definitely counting it.

3) Did you complete the weekly lifestyle objective?

Barely squeaked by today, but I did it.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

For the balsamic dressing I made for the salad, I needed a couple cloves of garlic. I was too in a hurry to win my laundry WOD that I used the stuff in a jar, which has phosphoric acid. It's such a small quantity I didn't count it (nor did I tell my WLC-militant fiancé-Whoops). But I'm sure I could definitely score some phosphoric acid somewhere, put it in my cooking cabinet, and make the whole thing legal. That's how this works right? As long as it's in your cabinet? I'll find some sodium nitrate while I'm at it to legalize my bacon.

I think I also chewed gum.

How do you feel?

I am super annoyed that I've now missed 2 days of full points. So now the cookie I ate is 3/22 points to makeup, and I'll never recover to full points, which I otherwise could have accomplished. "Christy, that's not the point of this," you say. Don't care. This is a competition that I paid $50 for, and I'd prefer not to be such a screw-up. Oh well, I guess.

I've hit a bit of plateau in fat-loss and just feeling fitter. Probably because due to the bevy of  nuts I've been consuming. I feel confident that it will resume at some point, though, and I don't feel any worse. Except for the mental anxiety of not getting points, which is stupid, like this Challenge. It's stupid. Everything's stupid. I hate it.