Whole Life Challenge Day 20

Thursday, September 27th

1) What did you consume?

An omelet with bacon and veggies, a bowl of fruit, a banana, >2 handfuls of almonds, and and awesome plate of "nachos" with veggie chips, spicy chicken, black beans, salsa and guacamole. It was fast and easy for a change.

2) Were you active and what did you do?

Yes - Went to CrossFit and did a little bit of mobility.

3) Did you complete the lifestyle challenge and how did it feel?

Yes, and I woke up exhausted.

4) Did you cheat/lie?

The bacon in my omelet should cost me a point, but I get it so infrequently, and it was so necessary mentally, that I'm not docking a point. It's just a tablespoon worth of bacon. Get over it.

5) How do you feel?

I'm emotionally volatile. A ticking time bomb. I feel like this:

Not the excited, scared or addicted to caffeine pills part, but the generally swift to collapse into blubbering idiocy (see definition here). If I keep it up I may not have a fiancé to speak of anymore.

I'm vehemently resentful of the lifestyle changes, especially those that are unnecessary. "Hey, let's be social and engage in a non-drinking activity with a friend we haven't seen in a while" is immediately followed by "Ooh, but how are we going to get a workout in (having already gone to CrossFit 3 days in a row)?" 

We'll you know what, Whole Life Challenge? My hips and shoulders are gassed from an intense 3 day cycle that followed an intense 5 day cycle, I've been working out regularly, and you can take your 10 minutes and shove it.

Methinks the toll on my mental and emotional well being may not be worth the physical benefits of the WLC, which mostly I haven't seen yet anyway.

Cumulative points lost: -4

Blow Darts

This summer, we analyzed the various types of crying and graphically illustrated the impacts on the criers and others. You ideally left the analysis encouraged to maximize the efficacy of your own tears by gaining the desired sympathy, while minimizing your display of patheticness.

Glaringly missing, was how to deal with others eliciting the various types of crying. While the least pathetic types of crying that cause little disruption to the surrounding environment can be politely tended to or ignored, what about the most pathetic?

In many cases of pathetic public crying, an innocent observer can walk away. But unless that inflatable escape slide has wings, or the life vest doubles as a parachute, there's no escape on an airplane. The same is true for other forms of public transit. So what's an innocent traveler to do?

The answer is simple: Blow darts.

Call me crazy or insensitive, but your child's ears popping are not my problem, the shrill in the seat behind me is. In such situations, if parents refuse a drop of cough syrup to put the kid out, offended public should be allowed to fire a simple blow dart tranquilizer. It may seem cruel at first, but we already offer the courtesy to our pets and our insane if they are inconsolably disturbed. If it's clear that the parent plans to let their child scream themselves to sleep anyway, what's the harm in expediting the process?

This simple solution can be applied across many other instances of extremely pathetic public crying. For instance, you should never break up with a knowingly dramatic significant other in a public place. But if you do make that mistake, you may find yourself in an unavoidable situation where you cannot simply walk away. It's only reasonable that you should have the option to relieve yourself, those around you, and the scream crying soul of their misery with a quick, harmless blow dart. They will wake up more calm, rational, and able for any necessary conversations or coping.

Other infractions may include:

• Children throwing temper tantrums in grocery store lines
• Drunk sorority girls sobbing in the middle of a bar
• Non-athletes blubbering over minor sports injuries
• Freshly-fired employees rampaging through an office

Of course, the protocol would not be heartless.  Certain excusable forms of public pathetic crying exist, where blow darts would be strictly prohibited. Funerals, weddings,  and substantial physical injury, for instance, each constitute safe situations.

Certainly this unconventional method would take a long time to socialize. But next time you find yourself in the presence of inescapable public sniveling, consider the overall benefit for the perpetrator, for yourself, for society, that a simple, mild tranquilizer could bring.

Plus, who wouldn't love to fire a blow dart? It's a blast. Not that I know from experience. This blog post is in no way an admission of guilt. Please contact my attorney with any direct inquiries.

Types of Crying

True or false: You want to give every person you see crying a big hug?

If you chose “True,” you’re a dirty liar. But don’t feel bad—We’ve all experienced the urge to slap some sense in to some sense into a crying figure, we just feel guilty expressing it. But why? Are they ugly criers? Is there something in their tone? Do I see a hint of drool? Or maybe we’re just assholes.

Allow me to put that last statement to rest. They are many different forms of crying. With the assistance of some coworkers, I’ve created this chart that illustrates types of crying across two factors: Pathetic-ness and Sympathy Elicited. Overall, we determined that the best types of crying maximize sympathy elicited, while minimizing levels of pathetic-ness. Take a look, and maybe you’ll understand why that blubbering idiot just didn’t tug at your heartstrings.

Legend

Blubbering: Unattractive, loud crying. Characterized by mutters, truncated, erratic breathing, clinched facial expressions and hunched posture.

Hyperventilate-Crying: Forceful crying causing heavy breathing, resulting in the inability to speak or produce sounds even resembling words.

Scream-Crying: Violent crying accompanied with bouts of yelling or sometimes shrieking. May also include slapping, punching or other physical expressions of distress.

Silent Tears: Soft, inaudible crying that does not draw attention; May manifest only in a single tear rolling down one’s cheek.

Sobbing: Heavy crying with a large volume tears flowing steadily; Generally audible but not inappropriately loud.

Sniveling: Audible, but soft crying, also prone to muttering and erratic breathing; May also show signs of drool or mucus.

Weeping: A gentler version of sobbing; Involves soft, steady stream of tears with some times lightly audible signs of distress.

Whimpering: Soft crying usually including few or no tears at all; Often incorporates muttering and/or high-pitched sighs.