You Might Be a Sorostitute If...

During the holiday season, you hear a lot of “ho-ho-ho’s,” which got me thinking—I need to bring back one of my most favorite strings of Facebook posts.  But before you accuse me of heartlessly ripping on sorority girls, let me give you some backstory:

It’s not that I hate sorority girls—It’s just that I love irony. In fact, some of my good friends  were sorority girls! (That’s what you’re supposed to say when you discriminate against a group, right?) So when I watched thousands of doe-eyed freshman girls herd onto the quad every year, desperate for a place in the nation’s largest Greek system, all wearing shirts that read, “Be Unique, Be United, Be Greek,” I had to laugh.

The smart, “Queen Sorority”-bound made themselves more “unique” by applying a fresh coat of peroxide to their hair and cutting-up their rush shirts so the best sororities could see how tan and thin they were—Adorable sorostitutes-in-training. As much ammunition these ladies provided on a daily basis, my job as a Resident Adviser was to promote inclusiveness, so I could not fire publicly.

But some short time after RA retirement, I wafted from class to class as a disengaged and bored second semester senior.  Let’s be clear that my attendance was required to pass, or I would have been sleeping or in a bar with all of the business majors. But those options removed, I had my laptop in-tote so I could Facebook through class like any good college student.

Spring was in the air on a balmy 50-degree April day in the beautiful state of Illinois, which meant the sorostitutes were out in full-force with their mini skirts and lettered flip-flops.  One glance out the window made me realize that I had enough sorostitute material for hourly status updates all day: Boredom problem solved.  My Facebook friends received the content well and contributed some of their own additions—Some sorority girls even chimed-in with validation.  So without further ado:

You might be a sorostitute if…

• Your skin radiates a beautiful Oompa Loompa orange.

• Your initiation involved dipping your head into a vat of peroxide.

• More recently, your initiation involved bottle-brown Kardashian hair dye. 

• You wear sunglasses that cover more than two-thirds of your face. 

• You mistake leggings for pants. 

• Your three pairs of Uggs perfectly coordinate with your three Northface fleeces. 

• More recently, your Grecian scandals reflect the lovely blue of your jeggings. 

• Your eyeliner applicator is actually a black Sharpie. 

• Your wistful “just rolled-out of bed” side ponytail took forty-five minutes to create. 

• Your house affiliation precedes your name in introductions. 

• The pockets of your skirt are longer than the skirt itself. 

• “Volunteering” typically involved several kegs and as little clothing as possible.

• You can’t go anywhere with less than two other sisters and one set of visible letters.

Still unclear on sorostitution? These may help:
 
Urban Dictionary: Sorostitute