Monday, October 17, 2011

Blow Darts

This summer, we analyzed the various types of crying and graphically illustrated the impacts on the criers and others. You ideally left the analysis encouraged to maximize the efficacy of your own tears by gaining the desired sympathy, while minimizing your display of patheticness.

Glaringly missing, was how to deal with others eliciting the various types of crying. While the least pathetic types of crying that cause little disruption to the surrounding environment can be politely tended to or ignored, what about the most pathetic?

In many cases of pathetic public crying, an innocent observer can walk away. But unless that inflatable escape slide has wings, or the life vest doubles as a parachute, there's no escape on an airplane. The same is true for other forms of public transit. So what's an innocent traveler to do?

The answer is simple: Blow darts.

Call me crazy or insensitive, but your child's ears popping are not my problem, the shrill in the seat behind me is. In such situations, if parents refuse a drop of cough syrup to put the kid out, offended public should be allowed to fire a simple blow dart tranquilizer. It may seem cruel at first, but we already offer the courtesy to our pets and our insane if they are inconsolably disturbed. If it's clear that the parent plans to let their child scream themselves to sleep anyway, what's the harm in expediting the process?

This simple solution can be applied across many other instances of extremely pathetic public crying. For instance, you should never break up with a knowingly dramatic significant other in a public place. But if you do make that mistake, you may find yourself in an unavoidable situation where you cannot simply walk away. It's only reasonable that you should have the option to relieve yourself, those around you, and the scream crying soul of their misery with a quick, harmless blow dart. They will wake up more calm, rational, and able for any necessary conversations or coping.

Other infractions may include:
  • Children throwing temper tantrums in grocery store lines
  • Drunk sorority girls sobbing in the middle of a bar
  • Non-athletes blubbering over minor sports injuries
  • Freshly-fired employees rampaging through an office
Of course, the protocol would not be heartless.  Certain excusable forms of public pathetic crying exist, where blow darts would be strictly prohibited. Funerals, weddings,  and substantial physical injury, for instance, each constitute safe situations.

Certainly this unconventional method would take a long time to socialize. But next time you find yourself in the presence of inescapable public sniveling, consider the overall benefit for the perpetrator, for yourself, for society, that a simple, mild tranquilizer could bring.

Plus, who wouldn't love to fire a blow dart? It's a blast. Not that I know from experience. This blog post is in no way an admission of guilt. Please contact my attorney with any direct inquiries.

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