In the event of an untimely death related to reckless or destructive activity, the testator has dictated the following:
To my mother, Sue, I leave all of the clothes and shoes that I bought for you so I could later steal them and hoard them in my closet.
To my father, John, I leave my keys, my wallet, my phone, my sunglasses, etc., assuming I haven’t lost them somewhere due to your poor genetics and behavioral influence.
To my brother, Scott, I leave my dignity and self-respect, because it is right to give to those in need.
To my brother, Kevin, I leave my brains, because it is right to give to those in need.
Bailee Obrien, per your request, I leave you my liver. I cannot attest to the health, per se, but the working condition is flawless. At least for a couple of more years…
Chris Strupek shall receive 1 pair of handcuffs, fishnet tights and a “cutie convict” garter located in a plastic bag in my closet. Ask no questions.
My electric blue pumps in all of their awesomeness shall go to Mike Freimann because he called dibs. As a result, I also leave him at least a handful of people beating down the door for them.
Testator requests an open-bar service devoid of any religious activity other than her own canonization.
Deceased is to be buried with her Nine West shoe collection, Lou Malnati’s gift cards, a bottle of tequila, and a pack of sugar free Red Bull.